1 year

I know this is late, but I don’t think it matters all that much.

My Girl,

1 year ago today (March 7, 2014) we woke up to a completely different reality from the one we had gone to bed with. Three beautiful, intelligent and oh so talented young adults were gone, just like that. Completely unexpectedly, suddenly and tragically. They had so much life left to live, what happened will never make sense to those of us who knew them and loved them. Jordan, Alysia & Katie you were so very loved and you are so very missed. Each of you affected greatly the lives of everyone you met, and you didn’t even know it.

Alysia there are honestly no words for how much you are missed, every single second of every single day. You were a precious gift. How much I treasured our close friendship and miss it (you were truly my person), your absolute natural beauty, you had no idea just how beautiful you were. Your ability to mom me, while I was momming you, you were the only person who ALWAYS took care of me. How brave and strong you were through your many struggles with your health. All of the concerts we went to together because we loved the same music. The many movies we watch together (LOTR marathons). The TV shows (Grey’s). Your sense of humour (I miss giggling with you over ridiculous things), your kindness, your absolute silliness, your genuine love for the people you cared about, the way you lived your life on your terms, even though it was difficult sometimes, your distaste for the rules (driving long before you had your license), how much you adored all the animals in your life (and always wanted more), and even more how much you adored and wanted to protect your little brother, and how proud you were of him. You were an incredible big sister and daughter. We are so fortunate to have so many amazing and wonderful memories of you and to have done the things we did together in the short time we had. I’ll never forget our many road trips. Or Paris. Or New York City. Or Banff. Or Disney. My 20 year old daughter standing in line with all the little girls so she could meet the Disney princesses and have her picture taken with them or marching into Tiffany’s in NYC like you owned the place to buy yourself something, just because you could, are both favourites. I was so proud of your ability to be a kid while still being such an old soul. And you were an old soul. Wise beyond your years. Those beautiful eyes of yours held the secrets of the universe somehow. You were our shining light, through everything, and always knew how to make us smile. I know you are still with us, I see your little messages, and maybe that’s why we are still standing through our devastation and sorrow, so thank you for keeping an ever watchful eye on us. You are so missed. You are so loved. You are so very, very precious. A piece of my heart will be forever missing. We will never forget you. 21 years with you just wasn’t enough.

Love always,

Momma

DSC_0157x

First Assignment for Blogging 101 course: “who I am and why I’m here”.

We’re going to pretend that I haven’t already been posting on WordPress and start from the very beginning here. Learning to blog, and do it well, is on my list of To Do’s for 2015. So here goes….Hi, my name is Kristi. And I’m a grieving mom.I feel like I’ve joined a self help group somehow. Where’s the echoing “Hi, Kristi” in return? In all seriousness though, I’m here to write about grief and how it changes your life so unexpectedly and completely. I lost my 21 year old daughter tragically in an apartment fire, along with 2 of her 3 roommates in Toronto on March 7, 2014. March 6th was my 40th birthday, I never talked to her again after that day. Never got to say good-bye or give her one last hug. We were much closer than a normal mother-daughter relationship and losing her has felt like losing a significant part of me too. She was my best friend, we communicated with each other constantly, and about everything. Her absence has made me feel so very alone. This blog will be an outlet for me as I deal with my loss as well as a way to help other parents who may be going through their own loss.As you may have noticed, my blog name is related to photography. Photography was what I originally started blogging about, and I’ve decided not to change that. Every once in a while, amongst the tough stuff, I’ll post a photo and something about it. A small way to remind me, and all of us, that the world is a beautiful place still. After all, I’m not just my grief.I look forward to the challenges of Blogging 101.Kristi

Goodbye 2014

I’ll be glad to see you go. I’ve had a hell of a lot happen in my life, but you will definitely go on record as the worst year yet. Losing my precious daughter and best friend Alysia so suddenly and tragically in the early morning hours after my 40th birthday has forever changed the person I was. The world has taken on a different colour to me now. Forever tinged with gray. Always ready to take. Less friendly and more cruel. I know there’s beauty still out there somewhere and I try my best to find it in each day that I wake up and go on without her. I will miss her every single moment of every single day that I remain here without her. But I will do my best to make her proud for however long that is.

2015 show me the good in the world, please?

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/418/49312361/files/2014/12/img_3953.jpg

The view from where I sit

20130809-144519.jpg

Vacations rock. Especially vacations in the sun. I was fortunate enough to be invited along on a family vacation with a close friend to stay with them just outside of Kelowna at a lovely home in Winfield on Wood Lake. On the agenda for this vacation? Sun, swimming, relaxing, drinking, eating and just having an all around great time, and more sun of course. Did I manage to check off all of the above you ask? Hell yes! I had a wonderful time, managed to get the first real tan I’ve had in years, met Jarome Iginla (the very handsome hockey player), drank like a fish and made some fantastic new friends from Vancouver in the process. Trip to Van anyone? This was the first vacation without my children (now both adults) in a very long time, and while I missed them tons, it was a much needed break from the responsibilities and every day stress of life. After a week away I looked forward to coming home and seeing them again, but at the same time, wish I was back there now. Thank you for the invite Jessica Curran! Here’s to next year!

Apocalyptic Sunrise

Apocalyptic Sunrise

I had just walked into work the morning of December 4th when I noticed the beginnings of a beautiful sunrise outside the office window. The office is on the 34th floor of Bow Valley Square in Calgary, so it has a great view of downtown and to the south. It’s a view that I love and have photographed a number of times, although never with a result quite like this. I stood at the window and captured this shot with my iPhone as the sun came up over the city, casting a reddish hue over everything. You can see the reflection of the fluorescent office lights behind me in the window and I love the atmosphere that the exhaust from the towers downtown adds to the photo. The result looks a little bit eerie and apocalyptic.